The Mother in ME

While growing up, I did not know what being a mother; a loving mother meant ... I did not experience the love and affection any girl deserves from her parents. Very early, I had to act as an adult, take care of my cousins, nephews and nieces while I still was a teenager myself. When my friends could play, I could only cook or take care of people. I started acting like a mother of 5…

On 18 March 2000, I gave birth to my one and only jewel: Divine Rosine K. I cannot explain the joy I felt, knowing that I could also be a real mother. From that moment, all my energy, all my life, everything I could do or not do was connected to my princess, who is smart, proactive, intelligent, sensitive, alert and goal oriented, I didn’t realize my baby was growing old. Today she is a teenager and that makes me proud: I have managed to raise her by myself. Since my job keeps me busy every time, I had to put her in a boarding school to make sure she is in good hands and learns the principles and values of life.

I remember a trip in South Africa where we were both so excited to have quality time together after almost 3 months. We discuss the program we would have together and it started well. But then, all of sudden, she started acting in a strange way, not willing to go out, just staying in the room. Watching movies on my laptop and not enjoying me being next to her. I started wondering what I should do to make her feel at ease and consider the time we were to spend together as mother and daughter...

The following week-end, we went out mall-shopping, ate some junk foods and ice cream, walking and talking like two friends. We spent the night talking and laughing, not predicting what would happen the following day. Gosh! I wish this never happened!!!

On our way to dropping her at the boarding school, one of my little sister notice applied lotion properly on her legs and asked her to fix it before we could continue our way. My daughter, my angel, my princess had this strange reaction that made me wonder if she is the one I gave birth to, the one  I raised in a specific model type. Since I couldn't accept the attitude she gave her aunt, I slept her. She suddenly looked at me and started running away without saying a word. My sisters tried to run after her but she was so fast, so fast that we lost her. I was close to having an heart attack, my bp went so high, my eyes full of tears, I could not imagine not finding my daughter and all sorts of ideas invaded my mind: where is she? What will happen now? We are in South Africa, what if she got kidnaped, abducted, killed? I start crying like I never did since my father passed away when I was 13...I could not control my pain, my tears, I was stuck at one place, not knowing if I should go north, south, east or west...

At that specific time, my POWER UP sessions with my special coach Ennie, her most asked question to me “Anny what will you do about it?” inspired me to call the only person I could count on, the one I love though I so often fell to tell him or act in a way that will prove to him that I love him. (Don't think I will say more about him… that is another story...)

Thank God he was in South Africa, in the same city. He heard me crying over the phone: my daughter is lost!

I knew he was busy with a very old friend of him but I did not care. To my deep satisfaction, whereas he was almost at the opposite side of the city, he came 10 to 15 minutes later, rushed like the father my princess never had, trying his best to calm me down, wiping my tears... I felt better but i wanted my daughter back. I was so mad at her and started saying nonsense but he managed to make me understand that the priority was to find her first...

When we finally found her not far from our complex and got home, I kept quiet and made the decision not to talk to her anymore for at least 3 months to make her understand what she did was unacceptable...

I was full of questions, trying to understand where my daughter’s education failed... My bp was still bad, very bad and I had to lie down.

Almost two months after, when I finally had the opportunity to talk to her - actually she called me with an unknown number-, I appreciated the fact that she apologized after we had a frank mother and daughter conversation, for what she did and told me how she missed me and also Choumy (the name for my friend and love). I guess she would have loved to tell him directly but she wanted to make sure I know and understand that she misses the presence of a father in her life.

What was the message behind such a behavior and then a confession?

I work hard to take care of my daughter, but i did not think a father figure was what she was longing for... sometimes we decide on what is good for our beloved but do not always consider what they really wish we can do for them.

In any case, from this painful experience of the mother in me, I understood that we always need someone next to us when we are weak and vulnerable. No need to always act like a super woman and pretend when we know we cannot stand by ourselves. Know what you are and you will know who you can be surrounded by.

I found my daughter, I found my teenager and she helped me found the mother in me. I love her and I will do everything I can to be the mother she wants me to be for her and let her be the special daughter I want her to understand she is. It will never be easy but at least she knows I am a loving mother.